Swans: Synonymous with elegance and grace. Complete and total assholes

Nestled at the foot of Mt St. Helena in Calistoga, CA lies the enchanting grounds of the Chateau Montelena Winery. A stone castle surrounded by a Chinese garden, overlooking a lake where Asian style bridges run to the island picnic areas spread throughout. One could spend hours just watching turtles and koi cruise just below the water surface and ducks glide across the lake, while listening to the quiet whisper of a gentle breeze as it rustles the many tree leaves. It’s a vision of complete and total relaxation.

That is, until the world’s douchiest swan feels the vibrations of your footfalls on one of the bridges and attacks.

It’s amazing how disarming an environment like this can be, with a peace and harmony so pervasive that it clings to everything like a fine mist, that you can only assume the feeling extends to the ground’s inhabitants. I mused on ideas like this as I watched this mammoth douche of a swan swim gracefully across the lake, directly to the bridge I was standing on, and bite my toe. Yep, thats right. It bit my goddamn toe.

Perhaps I was taken by the beauty of the area, or maybe that of the bird itself. I thought that it was used to humans and was maybe hoping to be fed, but I was wrong. This swan wanted blood. My blood. I am well aware that swans are ornery, but this was different. This swan was not working on instinct or some primal urge, it was a calculating, formulating, and ferocious killer. When I pulled my foot away that did not dissuade the vicious bird, but rather it moved on to another plan and began to attack the bridge I was standing on, with what I can only guess was the hope it could sink the bridge with me on it and gain easier access to my throat. The only time it would stop it’s attack on the bridge was when afforded the opportunity to casually assault a passing duck.

Needless to say, the bridge attack was futile and I made it out alive. But be warned if you ever find yourself at the Chateau Montelena Winery. More importantly be afraid. Swanzilla is a total dick and he may be gunning for you.

Swans: Synonymous with elegance and grace. Complete and total assholes

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